Depending on how loved up, romantic or cynical you are, Valentine’s Day will hold differing levels of significance for you. One thing is for sure, the increasing levels of commercialism around it make it hard to ignore – from cards, to gifts, to restaurants, your online and offline world is bombarded with pink & red hearts and flowers.
This, of course, is not how it all started out and while I’m not opposed to honouring romantic love in whatever way you see fit, I am calling on you to think about how you love yourself.
If you’re interested, St Valentine’s Day is really about Christian Martyrdom and honouring sacrifice. In 496AD, the Pope deemed the 14th February a day of feasting in honour of St Valentine of Rome who had been executed some 200yrs earlier – it was not until the 14th century that St Valentine’s day actually became associated with romantic love.
Think about this, what if instead of martyring yourself – or over working, over criticising, under nourishing, under valuing – whatever you do that threatens your mental and physical wellbeing; you make this a week for self-love.
Self-love is fundamental to our functioning as a human being. It is an integral part of our neural programming – if you want to be able to show up, to be real and truly belong, then at your very core you have to feel internally aligned in order to connect with the world in a meaningful way. It’s very difficult to do that if you don’t love who you believe yourself to be.
It can be very easy to feel down on yourself or self-critical if something has not panned out the way you expected or wanted, when you spend too much time comparing yourself to others, and when you don’t feel good enough in some way. I believe there is a clean distinction between self-love and liking yourself at any given moment. Liking yourself is much more about your behaviour, your reactions and your emotional responses, which, let’s be honest, can sometimes fall short of the high bar many of us hold ourselves to.
In just the same way as it is possible to love your children or partner unconditionally, but not like them very much on occasions; it is quite possible to love yourself and not like something about yourself or your behaviour in a specific moment. Because we operate from our limbic brain most of the time this can easily get amplified, focussed on and become a recurring pattern of behaviour.
Like many of the things that threaten our mental wellbeing, not loving yourself is learned behaviour. As a baby and very small child you knew you were perfect as you were and you knew how to get what you needed to survive. As a growing human you are also very connected and receptive to the responses you get from people and quickly get socialised into what is acceptable, what is approved of and what keeps you liked and safe.
In a perfect world these would be all the same things that help you flourish, enjoy life and make your contribution. In the real world they are not always the same, so to fit in, to be liked and to stay safe, you adapt your behaviour to meet expectations – yours as well as those of people around you. When this doesn’t fit with who you feel you are, your values or what you want to do on this planet, your mental wellbeing can suffer. Your ability to like who you are and what you stand for will certainly take a hit. You may even start to feel you have lost part of yourself, you are playing roles for others and showing up how they want you to. This internal disconnect messes with how you process information, where your unconscious focus goes and ultimately what you do more or less of.
You may recognise this in yourself as negative self-talk, never quite making time for the things you personally love, putting others needs before your own, not nourishing yourself, not sleeping enough, exercising enough – I suspect there are a few more I have not thought of. All of these send you and those around you a clear message that you do not love yourself enough to treat yourself well. It also gives others permission to, unwittingly or otherwise, take advantage or not treat you well either.
I know for most of us there is a balance to be struck between our own needs, caring for others, and looking after our businesses, and I know personally it can be a tricky thing to balance, too far one way and you might feel selfish, but too far the other and you martyr yourself, or the best version of you can’t show up, or you might even harm your wellbeing to the extent you can no longer serve others.
It is OK not to like yourself all of the time, we all do, say or think things we are not proud of occasionally, we all have bits of ourselves we might not like, whether that be our wobbly bits, our inability to do something, a quick temper, an inability to say no – insert your own here…
These do not make you unloveable.
Because you are neurologically predisposed to focus on the negative – just in case they put you in harms way, it is easy to focus on what you don’t like, amplify it and find increasing ‘evidence’ to support your thinking. Your unconscious mind will always look for evidence to prove it right, this might involve the most tenuous of links, but it will make them all the same.
Deep down, most people have as many parts of themselves that they do like or love. These don’t put you under perceived threat so they don’t get the same focus.
This week when we celebrate love, how about looking at elements of the St Valentine’s Day differently, think about honouring and feasting. Honour yourself by focusing on the things you like or love about yourself by being conscious about them, focused on them and feast yourself on the evidence that supports them and really allow yourself to feel the beautiful lovable being that you are.
Notice how much better you feel, how much more able you feel and know this, love is a basic human need, we may survive, but certainly can’t thrive without it. Each one of us deserves love and this starts as an inside job, the more we are able to love ourselves, imperfections and all, the more love we have to give to others.
Channelling my inner hippy, I leave you with this –
“There is no such thing as too much love in the world, the more there is the more we share around”.
There are a lot of great, well researched, business life cycle models available and this blog is not aiming to usurp them. My simple analogy is to demonstrate the importance of staying connected.
I’ve built my business on three core values courage, connection and contribution – although I certainly didn’t know that when I started (my infancy phase) and even a decade in, during adolescence, I probably couldn’t have articulated it. As it has matured, and is starting to move into its legacy phase, everything we do as a business has to pass the values test. This is mostly an unconscious neural process and when it is a conscious test, that in itself, is usually a warning that something is off – it isn’t really connected or congruent.
It is this true connection with my business values, mission and legacy that has enabled me (and my business) to weather rough times, change course when necessary and embrace the journey. It is also this connection with a bigger vision that has enabled me to grow and mature as a business.
My vision is for a world where we are each brave enough to act on the things that matter to us. We contribute to this a number of ways through education, particularly neuroscience, through mentoring, though coaching and with practical support – and all that we do has to lead towards a braver world.
I believe your business has four phases – we don’t all move through all four and, unlike human life phases, it is quite possible to regress as well as progress. These four phases are pregnancy, infancy, adolescence and maturity.
There are clear functions and activities that belong in each phase. Each of these phases tests your courage, your commitment and your connection with yourself, your goals and your greater purpose. Each of these phases bring you their own rewards and challenges.
Phase one – Pregnancy
This is the incubation and growth of your business idea. It’s getting it to take its first breath. This is a period of anticipation, of investing in your idea, of preparation for birth. Do the right stuff and you give your business the best change of thriving. The right stuff includes a birth plan – what are you delivering, how are you going to start, where are your first customers coming from, what are your hopes and dreams for your baby?
Every parent knows you can only plan so far, as you enter the birth phase things can change rapidly and unexpectedly, you may have to adjust course to survive, it may take longer or be harder than you’d hoped, and this is just the beginning. The thing is you may never feel fully prepared – especially if it is your first, or you may feel totally prepared – only to find you have prepared the wrong stuff.
At some point you have to give birth, you can’t just keep preparing, over thinking, or waiting for everything to be perfect – if you want a business you have to start.
Phase two – Infancy
This is exciting and often terrifying at the same time. It will probably have you eagerly looking for and ticking off early milestones – things like going live online – whether that be website or social profiles, your first client, going into profit. You’ll also hit some not so welcome milestones, your first complaint (we all get them), sleepless nights because life isn’t tracking with your plan or your ideal. Then there’s the isolation because looking after your business feels all-consuming, especially when your friends or family without a business just don’t get how hard it can feel. They don’t understand that, just like being a new parent, in your head, your self-worth, your confidence, your very identity are completely wrapped up in your success. Somehow you are it, your business is about you – if you don’t do it ‘it’ doesn’t happen!
It can be very tempting at this stage to slip back to the pregnancy phase, you had control, they were your ideas you felt really connected. The reality is much more messy. In my experience business infancy is trial and error, and there is likely to be more error than success – even if you follow models and rules. My advice, get comfortable with failure – it is part of growth, stay nimble enough to adapt to your baby’s needs and – the critical bit, stay in control. There may be the odd emergency where your circumstances determine your actions, but most of the time stick to your core values, do what you believe in and own your business – don’t let it own you.
The only way through this phase is to put the effort in, establish what works and what doesn’t and do more of what works – provided it brings you satisfaction and a sense of contribution. If it doesn’t you may want to return to the pregnancy phase – you have more of an ideal what to expect second time around.
Phase three – Adolescence
This is scary stuff, your beautiful baby is developing a life of its own, you are not making all the decisions – there are external influences at play. You’ve had to get help in order to keep growing, this might be outsourcing admin, it might be marketing or sales help, tech support, more people making your product or delivering client work. Here’s the real rub, none of this help does stuff exactly how you would, they have their own expertise, ideas or ways of behaving – you are on a crash course in managing many moving parts as well as probably taking a bit of a profit dip because you are paying for help.
This is one of the most painful stages for a business, it is where many small business owners circle back to infancy. You’ve forgotten those all-consuming first few years, you remember the control, the confidence from the routines you’d developed and the glory of being all things to all people. Settling back into late infancy is incredibly common. You know how to make a reasonable living, you know who your clients are and it kind of feels comfortable and successful.
The other common characteristic of adolescence is believing you are indestructible – this is also true of adolescent businesses, you take on too much, diversify too widely, and expand too fast, believing you can do anything – or everything. This has been the undoing of many well known young businesses. My advice, introduce something, consolidate, introduce the next thing consolidate and so on – you can add in pretty much anything you want to, but not all at the same time and not without knowledge and experience.
Surviving adolescence is about purpose, it is about connecting with your values, and knowing what you are prepared to do and what you are not prepared to do to make the contribution you want to make. Then you just have to get courageous enough to hold the hell on and grow into the person and business you are meant to be.
Phase four – Maturity and Legacy
Just because you grow older doesn’t mean you mature. A mature business understands its journey, how it got to where it is and how to reproduce itself. This might be by way of continued expansion, it might be by way of diversity – this very much depends on the you as the business owner and what you want to contribute. What is for certain is that a mature business has systems, it doesn’t rely on you for daily operations. You and your business have to have grown through the first three phases to get here.
Most businesses do not get here. They get stuck and circle back or they settle. The businesses that make it here are birthed and nurtured by people who are connected to their own values, to their mission and to the people their business serves. They know what impact they want their business to have – they understand legacy. I don’t mean all these businesses have to be huge and world changing, but I do absolutely believe all of these businesses have an impact on their chosen bit of the world – the thing that matters to the you as the business owner, your legacy.
It is this perceived impact that attracts great team members – they connect with the mission, they want to be part of what the business stands for, not just what it does. Sure, people come to work for a pay check – but in the small business world, I believe most who just want a pay check are in adolescent business, employees in mature business got there because they are connected, their values align, they are there for the mission.
People increasingly make values driven choices, your clients make value driven choices, so if you are not already, get clear about what your business values are, about what you really stand for, and about your impact, then use these to connect. I’d love to hear about where you think you are on your business journey, if you’ve found yourself stuck in a particular phase – or even recognise yourself circling back. I’d also love to know about your legacy, the more we know about each other the more we are able to help one another.
Whether you call yourself an entrepreneur, a business owner or a freelancer, when you work alone – or are the ‘boss’ of a small team, it can feel very lonely. You are the decision maker, maybe the breadwinner for your family, you’ve gone out on a limb, you may seem like a risk taker or rebel to your family and friends, the bottom line – you have something to prove! Whether you identify as lonely or not, this ‘aloneness’ can create a serious lack of perspective.
You might feel like a small fish in a big and busy pond, a pond where the water keeps moving and if you don’t, you’ll get sucked down the whirlpool in the middle. There are a few superstars in your industry who have claimed islands around the pond, a few more who have tiny moorings they anchor to, but most are circling the whirlpool working hard not to get sucked in.
It’s easy to get caught in the whirlpool. You swim faster and faster to make sure you don’t get sucked in, but without perspective you can’t see beyond the whirlpool you are spinning in, no matter how many times you swim round the edge just keeping everything together.
Life and business can start to feel repetitive – you may even know it’s your own story / excuses that have you circling the whirlpool, but while you’re busy swimming, the water is moving too fast to reflect what you are actually doing – hence your perspective disappears.
Your little whirlpool is kind of like your social media echo chamber, or the rhetoric from the same people you have the same conversations with over and over, the things you regularly fill your head with, the habits you repeat whether they serve you or not – these all limit your perspective.
This is where connection is vital, whether it is a partner or family member, a friend or fellow entrepreneur, a formal mentor or business group, having someone who understands your dreams and aspirations who can see what you are doing from beyond the edge of the whirlpool will give you a totally different perspective than your own.
The key to here though is that the person or people supporting you are actually able to hold space for you, you feel safe enough to be vulnerable, to explore what you are doing – or not doing, and that they have the right experience or expertise to help you to find perspective. This might be because they know you well, they’ve shared some of your life journey, it might be that they have an island or mooring already, or previously swum in the pond that you are navigating, or it might be that they are a professional ‘space holder’.
It is definitely not the people who love you dearly and want to keep you safe. It is not the people who want you to do things their way – and in there I include many ‘coaches’ selling solutions for this, that and the next thing without even understanding your issue. Neither is it colluders, those people who when you say it’s tough will immediately share their hardships or horror stories, agree about how tough it is and encourage you to swim faster round the whirlpool, or worse, sink into it with them.
Most entrepreneurs and business owners I work with crave safe space, somewhere to gain the perspective that enables them to swim in their own lane and not round in circles. I believe that connection with others who understand the risk, the loneliness and the rewards of having your own business is critical to perspective, success and mental wellbeing and I actively encourage you to seek out this connection. You are welcome to look in the Braver Business group for starters.
Perspective is a neurological habit, a way of thinking – often when busy, tired or stressed you take the neurological shortcut – which is to keep doing what you’ve always done and keep doing it the same way. It’s easy, but madness. Not only does this default keep you stuck, it can prevent you considering new things in your industry, from finding better ways of working and from connecting with people who may help you. Like all habits, your default perspective seeking habits can be changed.
Here are my favourite ways of ensuring I (nearly always) keep an expansive perspective:
Understand what takes me close to the edge of the whirlpool – for me this is usually self-inflicted – I have not saved enough space for perspective, either I’m busy with client work or I’ve taken on too many different things, or underestimated how long I needed to do something.
Know that it is ok to have the occasional meltdown – it’s part of the growth cycle, if you are growing, out of your comfort zone, or things are not going to plan you are going to feel vulnerable. You are a human being – it’s normal. The key here is to find a safe place to lose the plot temporarily and know what grounds you and allows you to regain your perspective.
Have trusted people, who get the entrepreneurial journey and are prepared to hold space for me – for this to work you have to feel safe, not judged and know that they are in your corner but won’t tell you what to do – unless you ask of course.
Be prepared to be that person for others – the more you are able to see perspective in all situations the better you train your brain (or get into the habit of) to look for multiple answers or ways of doing things. The more you learn to listen, to hold space the better you will be able to do it for yourself. Let others be heard and the chances are they will reciprocate.
Finally, keep your sense of humour – laughter is a great neurological release, it changes our internal chemistry and floods our bodies with positive more expansive hormones – literally expanding our brain’s processing capacity – creating more perspective.
This is not by any means an exclusive list, please do add your own in the comments or the Braver Business group and lets help each other stay out of the whirlpool and find our island or mooring.
Today’s blog is really about connection with stories. It is Blue Monday, the day that we – as a nation, are collectively feeling at our most miserable. It’s January, Christmas is gone, the credit card bills are in, we’ve broken most of our New Year’s resolutions and it’s cold and dark out there. Add to this general concern about the environment, hostilities and politics – it is easy to feel a bit out of control and down. It’s also fair to say that we as humans are affected by our environment and circumstances. It’s not fair to say we have no control over the affect these have on us.
Blue Monday is a story, a PR stunt by Sky travel in 2005, something which over the past 15 years has grown into a real ‘thing’ – story that has fed many, many marketing and PR campaigns over the years – most of which are ultimately trying to sell you some version of a better life, whether that be travel, home improvements, personal development. Not all of these are asking you to part with money, some are asking you to make a change, offering different options or inviting you to look differently at a situation. Mine (this blog) included, to be fair; I am asking you to look at the stories you tell yourself.
When you own a story, your brain looks for ‘evidence’ to prove you right – and usually finds it. Once you have this ‘evidence’ your story becomes your reality. Why would you set yourself up to be miserable – even for a day? When you buy into the collective misery of Blue Monday you amplify it, for yourself and for those around you. Even the psychologist & happiness guru, Cliff Arnall, who did the original calculations for Sky Travel admits it was not helpful to have named a day as ‘the most depressing day’ and in recent years has campaigned for people to use it to think about creating positive change.
Like most good stories, ‘Blue Monday’ is believable, it reflects an element of truth – some people are affected by the dark winter months, some people are feeling the effects of a more sedentary life or are feeling the financial – or physical, aftermath of an indulgent holiday period; it’s easy to use this as an excuse for not taking responsibility for yourself. It is also an incredibly unhelpful story to buy into. Those who have ever experienced mental illness – as opposed to poor mental well-being, will know feeling low is not the same as depression, anxiety, neurosis or seasonal affective disorder. They will also know that one day – even a titled one like Blue Monday, makes little difference to the trajectory of the illness. A low mood is different, it is something you can choose to enjoy, something you can choose to do something about and ultimately something which will lift. I believe it is this low mood that Blue Monday exacerbates.
In the end you choose what stories you tell yourself – consciously or unconsciously. If you feel great and inspired in January, if you are storming ahead with business and personal goals well done – keep doing what you are doing. If, on the other hand, you are feeling a bit low, look at what you are feeding yourself, literally and emotionally. Are you being kind and empowering in the stories you tell yourself, are you getting enough connection with nature, your environment and the things that enrich you? Decide if you need to tell yourself a slightly – or radically – different story in order to be the person you want to be.
Remember your brain will hunt for (and find) evidence to support whatever you are focussed on – so focus on something that empowers you today and every day.
I bet your inbox is full of ways to beat Blue Monday, so I’m not going to go beyond asking you to look at what stories you buy into because they become your reality. I am going to ask you to think about what you amplify and spread, because as humans we are unquestionably energetically connected – one person’s mood and energy impacts another. And finally, I am going to suggest that today, and every day, we all choose kindness. We may not know all that is going on for those around us, what stories they are owning, whether or not they are feeling low. When we choose kindness we spread kindness, we are more open to connection and we may just make someone – or ourselves, feel better.
Whatever you are doing today I hope it’s a good day – or has some good bits.
Many of you will know my favourite pastime is retreats: running them, designing them, being in them. I have been very lucky to spend the last few days with some incredible people in the forest, a luxury lodge in the forest to be precise. We have taken full advantage of the new year and decade to work on intentions, vision and accountability for 2020 and beyond. The power of focus is an incredible gift and being able to take yourself out of the ‘busy’ even for a few hours – ideally for a few days, is a great way to become intentional about your life and your business.
I stand by what I said about New Year’s day last week, it is not an all or nothing, change or be doomed day – you can make change any time you choose. When you do choose to change, it has to be for yourself, – it might be a benefit to others, but the outcome has to matter to you, for you.
One of the hardest things about the change and growth you make on your journey is living up to your own expectations. It’s one thing to commit to an “improving” version of yourself or your life – whatever that looks like – it might be a habit, fitness, money management, weight loss, smoking, writing a book, starting a podcast, being kinder – whatever it is for you. It is another thing to live it every day, to progress every day – you will have off days, days where the best version of yourself stayed in bed and the cranky early version showed up – you are human, you are allowed.
The challenge is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over. Kindness to yourself and perspective are needed here – if a thing is important enough to you, love yourself enough to start again. I believe that this is where great intention setting really helps – when you are clear about why you are doing something and the outcome is intrinsic to who you are or the contribution you see yourself making in the world, you will endure any setbacks and conquer any obstacles along your journey.
The real win from being intentional is a neurological one. You are quite literally priming your brain to help you succeed, you are focusing your Reticular Activating System (RAS) – the part of your brain that connects with external stimuli through your senses. Put simply, your RAS filters out the noise so the important stuff gets through, it focuses on, firstly, what might harm you and, secondly, on whatever you are consciously or even unconsciously thinking about or dwelling on. Once it has created this filter you will become more consciously aware of the opportunities, connections and activity around your focus.
Try it – think about a type of car, or a specific colour of car, then go about your day as normal and just see how many you notice. If you are not likely to see cars think about something you do come across on your daily travels – the principle will work the same.
When you spend the time to really connect with yourself, to reflect on what you want your life or business to be like, on how you want to show up, on what you want to make a difference to, you will become clear about what your intentions for 2020 or your next decade are. There is no right or wrong way to set intentions, but connection is key! It is not just a cognitive thinking process – you need to feel in to it too. This might be an emotion like excited or scared, it might be a physical sensation – goosebumps perhaps, or a change in physiology like temperature or breathing. This is your gut (or enteric nervous system), your instincts (limbic system) conspiring to ensure you are on the right path. You need to be able to trust yourself and value yourself enough to go with these instincts and use them to set your intentions.
They might be very specific and tied into goals, they might be thematic – like visibility, what you want to be known for – they are your intentions. Be sure of this, once you set them you will start to notice things linked to your intentions and opportunities around them. Be ready to act.
For me accountability is key for follow through, where ever there is greatness there is accountability – to a cause, a community, another human being. I believe the great antidotes to failed New Year’s resolutions – aside from not making them, is accountability. While we are all accountable to ourselves, often that is not enough, especially when we fall short of our own expectations.
Having trusted allies in your corner who will help you stay on track, check in with you around your intentions – and not let you make excuses, makes a big difference to your success. These people might be your family, they might be your friends or colleagues, you might have a coach or mentor, or an online community you share this with – use them.
Intention setting can be done at any time, it is a neurological activity. There is no time like the present if want a bit of a boost. Today (Friday 10th) is a lunar eclipse which makes it a great day for releasing what no longer serves you and setting intentions.
I am very lucky, I’m leaving the forest now for a weekend by the sea where I will be doing a day of business planning followed by a couple of days chilling, before returning to the office next week. It is intention setting and accountability that give me the freedom I have in my business, that make us open to the many opportunities around us and that help us to choose and pursue those which are most beneficial to our mission.
If you would like some help or have questions around intention setting, or you want someone in your corner holding you to account join me in the braver business group.
It’s tempting to be all or nothing over New Year – big plans, resolutions, new starts, giving up vices, many of which don’t last far into January. In my experience, it’s lots of little but consistent tweaks to your behaviour that actually make a sustained difference; not boom or bust, not all or nothing, not great declarations of a new you.
For me, New Year is not an opportunity for fixing everything you don’t like about yourself or your life and it’s certainly not a time for trying to become the person you think you should be. It is a time for reflection for sure, it is a time for looking at what you might want to bring with you into the new year and what you might leave behind, and it is a time for honouring and celebrating all that you are, all that you have done and all that you have learned over the last year.
When you do this it becomes easier to focus on the human being you want to be (and I do mean ‘want to be’ not ‘think you should be’ here), the tweaks you may have to make to be that person and the outcomes you get from being that person. The crucial motivator here is, like many things, the reason behind it. When this is driven from a place of value – you truly understand why you are doing it and why it’s important to you, then you have a much greater likelihood of consistency into 2020.
Here’s an example, two smokers both vow to quit – the first understands it’s bad for his health, he knows it’s expensive and he truly intends to stop for good this time. Somehow stuff gets in the way, a few days off – then one cigarette in the pub won’t hurt, then another and he never quite quits. The second man overhears his teenage daughter say she & her friends aren’t sitting by him because he stinks of cigarettes – he stops the next day. These men were my uncle and father – it took my uncle a further 20 years and respiratory illness to actually stop. My father didn’t share his reason for stopping until several decades later – but in that moment he decided to stop, the price of enjoying a cigarette was too high. In the days and weeks that followed many little tweaks to my dad’s routine, to the way he showed up, to the rewards he gave himself made it easier, but his reason for changing was the thing that kept him going.
If you are considering big changes, or you have a raft of resolutions, think about why they matter to you, how your life will be different and whether this is a sustainable decision. Setting yourself up to fail is likely to do you more harm than not making a change in the first place. If you have a compelling enough reason absolutely go for it, New Year is as good a time as any, focus on the outcome of the change not just the journey and celebrate your success along the way.
If, on the other hand, you don’t have compelling reasons (of your own) to make changes, or you’ve already given up on New Year’s resolutions, think about this – you can choose to be the best version of yourself any day or everyday; you can decide what you want your life to be like, as well as who and what you want in it, anytime and you can start living towards that right now, or tomorrow or the next day. It is your life.
New Year is a focus not an absolute. You don’t miss the boat if you don’t get on it at midnight or sometime tomorrow. It’s better to understand your journey, why you are making it, what the destination looks like, what you might encounter along the way before you get on the boat. This way you are more likely to stay on the journey. Notice I’m not talking maps or plans here, I’m talking understanding and connection.
Connection is a personal thing, one we get from introspection and understanding ourselves – not from reacting to circumstances or what happens to us – although this can both fuel us and act as a catalyst for change. I believe we can all be the person we want to be – it is about how we show up, what we stand for, how we behave, our attitudes and our values.
This New Year, gift yourself the time to decide who you want to be, what you want your life to look like and what tweaks you might need to make to get there. You have a whole year – it doesn’t have to be today.
I have been reflecting on the things I’m bringing into 2020, the things I am leaving behind – I will be enjoying my usual releasing and forgiving ritual by the fire at midnight. I am looking forward to 2020 and intend to ease gracefully into the new decade.
How ever you choose spend New Year’s Eve / New Year’s Day I hope you are kind to yourself and wish you all the happiness and success you want in 2020.
One of the best gifts you can give yourself for Christmas, and as you move into 2020, is to own your imperfections. We all have them, most of us try to hide or compensate for them – the truly grounded and successful simply own them.
Putting your game face on, trying not to get found out, working to fit in is exhausting isn’t it? Even worse, it creates a sense of lack, undermines your confidence and plays right into the whole ‘not good enough’ script you probably run at least some of the time.
At the end of the day, showing up, being yourself and resisting the need to be liked is a risky business – it’s neurologically counterintuitive, uncomfortable and potentially dangerous. We are taught from a very early age to conform, to fit in and serve others and from an evolutionary perspective, that is reasonably sound advice if you want to survive. It is rubbish advice if you want to thrive.
For most humans thriving is a combination of belonging, significance and contribution; and while it may appear similar, this is very different to fitting in, conforming and serving.
Belonging
When you truly belong there’s no front, you don’t have to put on an act, you can just be yourself. The evolutionary need to belong probably stems back to our hunter-gatherer days where we were quite literally safer in a group. Neurologically you have not evolved very much – your subconscious brain spends much of its time processing social interactions, checking out where you are safe and valued. It’s no coincidence that those with strong social relationships – and I’m talking about depth not volume here, fare better when it comes to stress, anxiety and mental well-being. Lack of real belonging is a curse of the digital world, it is so easy to compare yourself with another’s perfect life or business, forgetting you only see the bits they want you to see, the behind the scenes it is unlikely to be so perfect. Even when you know this, looking at other ‘perfect lives’ might make you feel vulnerable and either conform in order to fit it and gain a short lived sense of safety, or withdraw and suffer increased isolation.
Significance
When you feel significant there is no need to prove yourself, to shout to be heard, a need to be noticed – instead there is a sense of recognition and validation, your fundamental desire to be seen, heard and listened to by those who matter to you is met. I believe you need this in your work life just as much as with family and friends. From a social processing perspective this is the true basis of connection, this sense that you matter is a powerful enabler when it comes to risk and vulnerability. When you matter there is usually someone in your corner or someone depending on you – your actions have consequences beyond yourself, this is a great motivator. When you don’t feel significance like no one will notice – or care, or hold you to account, it’s really easy to sit back and cruise, to play safe or to make excuses.
Contribution
The need to make a contribution is about purpose, connection with something bigger than yourself, it’s about making a difference and leaving a legacy – some mark that you walked on this earth. Now I’m not saying everyone wants to change the world, but I do believe each of us wants to impact on the things that matter to us. I also believe we all make a difference to someone or something. When it comes to contribution you have to be connected. Whether it is a small act of kindness or a global initiative, it is the intention behind the act that gives you the sense of contribution, of connectedness. You can’t be truly connected, or make the difference you are here to make, if you are hiding behind a mask hoping your imperfections won’t get found out. At best you will water down your actions to fit with what you know you can succeed at, at worse you will undermine yourself, your confidence and your perceived significance.
Imperfection makes you vulnerable, there’s no getting around that, it feels horrible, you can experience a whole raft of things from self-criticism, to embarrassment to deep shame. You can also use this vulnerability to connect with your fellow humans who, however perfect they may seem to you, are probably just as vulnerable, just as imperfect as you are, as I am, as we all are.
We don’t like vulnerability, our own or in those around us, often we try to fix it when really we simply need to hold it, be in it and be true to who we are. There are so many layers to peel back neurologically, so this is very oversimplified: vulnerability shows authenticity, a willingness to share yourself, your imperfections – this fosters trust which in turn enables deeper connection. Putting up a mask, hiding your imperfections, creates an incongruence which sooner or later is noticeable – this destroys trust and connection.
Exploring your imperfections does two things – it identifies your uniqueness, those things about you that make you who you are – whether that’s a physical feature, a way of processing or your way of showing up. Exploring your imperfections also identifies habitual behaviour which may be holding you back in your quest for significance and contribution. You might call them reasons or circumstances but the chances are they are patterns, stories or excuses you have created to protect yourself (and your perceived imperfections).
I believe it is these, your made up imperfections, that create the real problem when it comes to owning your imperfections. Why would you own something that is not really part of who you truly are? In owning your imperfections, I’m challenging you to first weedle out the excuses and do something about the ones that get in the way of your greatness.
Secondly, for the love of humanity – drop the mask, own your differences, and be authentic enough to stand in your own imperfect glory.
We are all work in progress, if you want share your success and challenges do join me in the braver business group.
As we draw towards the end of the year, the decade no less, there seems to be massive focus on planning and intention setting for 2020. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for planning and intention setting – I’m also a massive fan of reflecting and taking stock.
In our hustle filled, adrenaline fuelled world it is easy to forget this stage – to move on and not learn what needs to be learned, not take time to enjoy the great bits and celebrate the successes. In my view that would also be a real waste of your experiences.
Good planning comes from the highs & lows of previous experiences, from evidence, from understanding cause and effect, as well as the randomness of life that can sometimes cause unexpected consequences. It shouldn’t be some loose wish list of things you would like to happen. If you don’t take time to reflect, to truly connect with the year just finishing you’ll miss the great wisdom it brings, the things to plan into your next year – or decade, and those to avoid wherever possible.
Back in my health days reflection – or reflective practise, was a big part of our training. It still forms part of most health professionals ongoing registration requirement as it does with most therapy and coaching qualifications. Of course, there are many fancy models for reflection and if you like a framework most have merit, the key is choosing one that resonates with how you process naturally – for example if you are very emotion driven the Gibbs Model might suit you, if you are more logic-oriented Kolb’s model may suit you. In its purest form, reflective practice is, like many things, quite simple. There are differences between reflection and just ‘thinking’ about stuff, which can often send you down a less than constructive rabbit hole – especially if you are good at ‘what ifs’. Reflection is about making time to consider what you’ve done or experienced, how you felt about it and what, if anything, might you do differently in the future. This is why I tend to do reflection with Rolfe et al’s model:
What? – this is the descriptive part, what happened, what was your role, what were others actions / responses, what are the associated feelings, what were the consequences – you may well have a few of your own favourite ‘what’ questions to add in here.
So what? – these are really about options, learning and values – for example so what does this tell you about yourself, about the people involved, about what you could do, about what you won’t do, about what you need and about what you’ve learned. It’s really about exploration and understanding – what does your experience mean for you moving forward.
What now? – this is about insights and action – what will be different, how can you prevent a repeat or create one, what can you plan for, do you need to revisit this experience – maybe discuss with others involved, how do you learn what you need to learn and move on.
As your brain tends towards social processing on its own, it is quite likely you will mull over (or even dwell on) what’s happened – particularly things you may not feel quite comfortable with or things that have not gone how you hoped. I see reflection as a bit of conscious brain training to get the best out of the thinking I’m likely to do anyway. Like all neurological stuff, a simple conscious process of reflection or working through what you’ve experienced, quickly becomes a habit when practiced regularly.
Unless you can understand, unpick and draw out the value of your past year (or decade) and you have courage to act on your findings, you are likely to live the same experiences over and over. Before you rush into planning, I urge you to spend some time reflecting using a super simple ‘what’ sequence. Remember to focus on the wins, the things you want more of and the things you love, as well as where you might want things to be different.
Good luck and as always if you want to share, do join us in the Braver Business group.
Being kind is about how you behave, not what you talk about, yet it is easy to be glib or pay lip service to kindness. The festive season really does bring out the best and the worst in people. Let’s be honest, whether you celebrate Christmas or not, you will almost certainly be impacted by it in some way.
In the run up to 2020 – the start of a new decade, I’m very focused on connection, on kindness and on protecting mental wellbeing – for myself as well as for those in my world. These are things we often do not pay much attention to, and they are things that are just too precious to be left to chance.
Today I’m starting with kindness, calling on you to run a quick inventory of how you behave.
Our natural neurological default is kindness and compassion. James Doty, Clinical Professor of neurosurgery at Stamford and author of Into the Magic Shop, says it is our adrenaline fuelled lifestyle – or the chronic low-level release of hormones that create a near constant state of stress for many people. This hormonal trigger is designed to be a responsive state not a constant, and in overdrive this is responsible for reduced compassion and kindness, as well as heightened stress and anxiety.
Think about how often you hear someone pass judgement on another’s suffering, misfortune or even non-conformity – blame, shame and ultimately dismissal of suffering can quickly ensue. It’s evident in the various ‘isms’ that exercise people, in blaming people for the things that happen to them, even in circumstances like the recent floods in the UK – seemingly innocuous comments like ‘well they live near a river’ as if the act of nature is somehow their own fault.
I suspect we have all done it on occasions, but if blame, shame or justification are your instinctive responses you may need to pay attention to your stress levels. It doesn’t mean you are an unkind or uncaring person, it might mean you are running an adrenaline fuelled life on your (ironically named) sympathetic nervous system and your response is simply one of self-protection.
We all hit that “I can’t handle anything else” moments from time to time – whether it is at home, your kids, at work, in your social group or a combination of life events that leave you feeling out of control. The challenge is that once in this chronic stress response state you have to first recognise it, then do something active to rebalance your neurochemistry.
I don’t know about you, but when I hit a stress overwhelm – however briefly, the first victim of my ‘judgeiness’ is usually myself, often in tandem with a level of unkindness I certainly wouldn’t levy at anyone else. If you have a tendency towards this, or even if you are an occasional offender, job number one is to learn to create some compassion for yourself. Being able to manage your own physiological state, to consciously move from sympathetic nervous system overdrive back to a parasympathetic (or rest and restore state) is critical.
There are many ways you can change your state, from physical activity to use up the adrenaline in the short term, listening to your favourite music, certain smells linked to calm or feeling good, to longer term strategies like meditation and relaxation. Acts of kindness and compassion are up there in terms of rapid and long-term changes to your state management. Because it is part of your innate make up, compassion is rebalancing, restorative and helps you retain a ‘rest and restore’ state which in turn stimulates oxytocin receptors increasing empathy and helping you to stay connected with both yourself and other humans.
So, as the festive season hurtles towards us don’t just pay lip service to kindness. Spare a thought for your fellow human – none of us really know what is going on for another, a kind word, a small gesture of help or a bit of support may actually help you feel better and might just mean the world to someone.
Not paying lip service to kindness applies to how you treat yourself too. How can you be kinder to yourself, create a bit more support if you need it and not stress out over the festivities?
I’m using kindness to stay grounded and not get caught up in the hype and hustle of Christmas. One act of kindness each day is enriching, rewarding and nurturing for me. It restores balance, enables me to feel good and creates a more positive neurochemistry, it is almost an aside that others are the beneficiaries of my acts, I am without question the biggest beneficiary.
At times of challenge, or crisis even, it’s tempting to batten down the hatches, dig in and wait out the ‘storm’. While in an actual storm this may be sound advice, in life generally, and business particularly, ‘waiting it out’ is rarely the best course of action.
In the business context, challenging times usually result from one or more of the following; inertia, conformity, fear and not staying true to your own values. Yet we often blame external factors like the economy, our location, our competition, another’s behaviour, the size and reach of our business, our lack of time, money, connections, and so on. It’s easier isn’t it – blame something you don’t feel you have control over and it’s not your fault, right?
The challenge with this approach is that you can’t fix stuff you have no control over, you are destined to be a victim of your circumstances and that is no way to run your business (or your life). Sure things happen that you have no control over, and I’ve certainly had my share of those in the last few weeks, but then you make a choice: focus on the things you can do nothing about, or focus on the things you can control.
Your actions, your attitude and your congruence are all things you have control over. You decide how you show up and behave, you decide which challenges you face and which you hide from, and you decide when to stand out and when to fit in based on what really matters to you. I’m not saying it’s easy – it’s not, but it’s better than inertia, being stuck in your fear or conforming at the expense of what you truly believe.
I know for many business owners the environment feels more fragile and more volatile in recent times. I also believe that in times of uncertainty some businesses thrive and others do not survive. This is largely down to action, attitude and congruence – being super clear what you are prepared to do and what you are not, having a plan and most importantly having the courage to act on your plan.
This clarity, this focus, makes it easier to combat inertia, it helps you to stay true to your values and most importantly it helps you move through fear rather than being stuck in it.
BTW, fear is a normal part of life, we all feel fear, it’s neither desirable nor possible to rid ourselves of fear, it is a neurological message, a chemical reaction, a confirmation we are outside of our regular, automated neurological activity – we are alive, experiencing and processing what is going on within and around us. Fear shows up in different ways for different people, it has the capacity to completely derail your dreams, undermine your confidence and keep you stuck – or ‘waiting it out’ until it passes – usually because you have made an excuse or lowered your expectations.
The only way out of fear is to move through it – to take some action, to change the chemical reaction happening within us. The action doesn’t have to be constructive ‘on your business’ stuff, it could be a distraction, physical activity, or relaxation – it does need to be a circuit breaker, something that creates a change in your neurological state.
So here is my question for you. Are you clear about what you and your business stand for, and do you have a plan for making that happen?
For many people I talk to the answer is yes at a superficial level, but once we start to drill down into what are you prepared to do, what are the lines you won’t cross, where does fear and your excuses get in the way, answers – and conviction, become more vague surprisingly quickly. There is certainly a balance to be struck between deep exploration of the soul and getting on with the job – none of us can afford to ignore our day to day business function, but neither can we afford to ignore clarity and focus on the things that really matter to us.
My advice? Start small and make focus a habit – your way of working. What do you need to be paying attention to right now, what is the thing that you can control and impact that makes a difference to how – or if, you deal with challenges?
It you want more support join me in Braver Business our virtual cowork community.
Even when we feel quite small, insignificant even, in the grand scheme of things we all have the opportunity to shape the future. The choices you make today craft the life you live tomorrow, whether you choose to act, to engage, to hold back, to make an excuse or to do nothing – you have an impact.
How much does your energy, your enthusiasm (or lack of it), your environment, your level of self-belief, your expectation, affect how you show up? Massively, doesn’t it and on those days where you don’t feel great or can’t be bothered – and we all have them – if you don’t do something to manage yourself and your attitude your day is just a slog, right?
I’m big into neuroscience – the stuff behind the woo woo – although the bare feet, flouncy, flowery attire of my youth might suggest the hippy, woo woo traits predated my formal understanding of neuroscience. Attitude, energy, environment, self-believe, enthusiasm and expectation all affect the prism through which we see the world, the ‘evidence’ we look for, and the reality we create for ourselves.
All of these things matter, but I think environment is often overlooked, whether you work at home, in a corporate, a shop, a hospital, a shared office – what it feels like makes a difference. When we were setting up Brave CoWork I did a fair amount of research around space, productivity and wellbeing and found some stuff I expected and a few surprises.
So, what did I find that I expected – natural light, greenery, space and moderate auditory stimulation all improve perceived wellbeing and productivity. Dingy workspace, poorly laid out desks and chairs, lack of natural daylight, lack of fresh air, and other people’s noise all adversely affected perceived wellbeing and productivity. Clutter clouds thinking and tidying office space, particularly for home workers and the self-employed, is a great source of procrastination.
Things I didn’t expect to find: the lack of control people felt they had over their environment – this applied fairly evenly to people working in an employer’s environment and those working from their own office, workshop, shop or home. Most people didn’t change their space from one year to the next, they put up with little things that annoy them – like broken furniture, poor light, lack of storage and clutter. There’s a whole bank of ‘reasons’ for not sorting stuff – from too expensive to no time, from not allowed to can’t be bothered, these were mostly excuses.
People gained energy from being around others. Not a surprise, but proximity is important – too close and it can be draining, too distant and the connectivity benefit is lost. Around 5 meters seems ideal, although cultural variations exist. The Allen Curve, first tested in 1974, suggests that the right proximity increases collaboration creativity and productivity. Working alone is not good for us.
Finally plants, again not a surprise they are good for us, but some of the benefits were a little more surprising. Plants have been proven to decrease eyestrain, lower feelings of anxiety, reduce negativity, and increase productivity. Eye strain has been tested in a number of studies, showing that both the change in focal distance and colour (compared with using a screen of some description) has a relaxing effect, and reduces symptoms associated with eye strain. They also clean the air, bring a little nature into your environment and larger plants help to dampen sound.
Are you paying attention to your environment, or have you become so used to it that you don’t notice little things that cause frustration every day?
I regularly do an environment audit, both in my home office and at the Brave CoWork. We frequently change things, add things and personalise things. Don’t get me wrong I love my workspaces, but they still need to be loved. It doesn’t have to be big stuff or cost money – swapping around a few crystals, a plant or a picture makes a difference; but the bigger difference usually comes from dealing with an irritant, clearing up your clutter and keeping your space clean.
What can you do to make your working environment work better for you?
While I don’t think they are mutually exclusive, most of us lean towards intuition or fact-based decision making. Some of us make decisions rapidly, some of us more slowly and some decide not to decide. After having many heated debates about intuition or gut instinct with people over the years, it is both an emotive and complex area where it is easy to become wedded to your own preference.
To be up front here, I sit firmly on the side of intuition, I trust myself and let my gut, brain and heart guide me – I won’t ignore the facts or hard evidence, but don’t rely on it either. I think how we make decisions is somewhat dependant on our personality, our conditioning and our level of self-esteem.
Intuition is not some airy fairy, mysterious quality some of us have and others don’t, we all have it – it is based on our past experiences, our knowledge gained and even when we don’t always understand our ‘gut instinct’ there is an explanation for it if we bother to look. Intuition is often described as knowing things before you know them, even when you can’t explain how.
In reality our gut does have a fast track to our brain with over a hundred million nerve cells talking directly to our brain (the enteric nervous system) and the vagus nerve literally connecting our brain, heart and gut.
We constantly process sensory stimuli, cross reference them at an unconscious level with similar experiences in our internal database, and draw a conclusion as to our safety, capacity to act and desire. This unconscious processing happens much faster than our conscious thought and decision making.
The key question is can we trust it or not?
Well, we have all done something out of character, only to find out it was the right thing retrospectively – it might be as simple as driving a different way than usual and finding you avoided a long queue after an accident, it might be you call a friend you wouldn’t normally call only to find they really needed someone to talk to – this may have been an urge, you may have had a physical sensation or ‘gut instinct’ that led to act.
There are several theories around why intuition works and is perhaps more tangible than we may think. I find this one helpful in explaining it to my more sceptical friends; intuition is based on continuous unconscious processing of sensory information which happens whether or not our rational mind is occupied on conscious tasks. When something is not quite right in our environment, this could be someone else’s behaviour or the actual environment, like pre thunderstorm, our brain produces small surges of dopamine which in turn create a physical sensation, or weird feeling, that often accompanies ‘gut instinct’.
Often unconscious processing involves other people. Our brains are constantly working to make sense of the world around us, how the presence, behaviour or actions of another affects us, and whether we need to do more to serve – this is called social processing. Matthew Lieberman,(Professor of Neuroscience, UCLA), talks about social superpowers as being social pain and social connection, with social pain activating the brain areas as physical pain on MRI scan, and social connection essential to our survival.
When we start to leverage social connection there is a blur between intuition and mindreading – and this is where perhaps relying on intuition can seem more risky, we take incomplete information and create a story. This story is our perception of reality. We look at people’s micro expressions, body language, emotional state, attitude and try to predict their responses – and this often happens before we can process logical factual information. Instinctively when words and expressions or attitude and body language don’t add up we feel something is not right – or have a ‘gut feel’ about something.
These instincts are as much evolutionary as they are neurological. Reading emotional signals is an ancient trait on which our ancestors relied for survival – is this person friend or foe, am I safe or not – the stakes may not be the same now, but the instincts are. This doesn’t mean our instincts are always correct, they might be designed to keep us safe, but they are frequently clouded by our own life experience, prejudices and beliefs and this can cause us to make biased assumptions. So if we are to trust our intuition we also need to both understand our biases and wherever possible reality check our instinct with rational thinking and facts.
It seems logical that if intuition is served up first there is some evolutionary benefit to us using it. One of my favourite books is Blink by Malcom Gladwell. In there he argues that our ability to make good decisions is not driven by having all the information, logical processing and analysis. Our ability to make good rapid decisions is in fact, driven by our adaptive unconscious, which he refers to as the internal supercomputer of our brain. This leads you to take rapid instinctive action when you need to – like in the face of imminent danger, it also enables you to socially process in an ongoing manner.
There is no doubt intuition can also lead you astray if you are not aware of your own internal biases or rely on it to the exclusion of factual evidence.
For every piece of research supporting trusting your gut there is one telling you not to. The argument against is largely based around unconscious bias, and it’s a valid one. Our brain’s need for patterns for stories to fit means that we invent the bits of missing information to fit patterns we already know how to run. The more complex and incomplete a situation the less reliable instinct might be, however most of the decisions we make are not complex or life altering, many are not even day altering so does more information really make a difference?
At the risk of sounding cynical or conspiratorial, facts, research and reasoning are potentially developed to help us with social functioning, communication and influence. This also leaves us exposed to cognitive bias, potentially reluctant to change our views or beliefs and less flexible when it comes to taking action.
Seriously though balance is the answer – while I lean toward intuition, I recognise that in some circumstances intuition is enough and in others I also need to do due diligence, be aware of the facts, and then make a decision.
If you take one thing from this article learn to trust yourself, whether you need facts or whether you act intuitively, refrain from analysis paralysis bought on by not trusting yourself to do the right thing. The more you act the more evidence you will have that you can trust yourself, whatever the outcome. (Right or wrong decision – you’re still here aren’t you?)
I love this time of year, it’s a great reflection period for me, intuitively tied to the seasons.
I think that it helps that it’s around the time of my birthday so there is a natural closing of one cycle and start of another. This is perhaps less steeped in neuroscience and more in connectedness than some of my work, because I absolutely believe we are impacted by our environment, whether that be nature or the environment we create for ourselves.
Late summer is the period we harvest and see the results of our year’s labour. We also have to be pragmatic about whether it is enough to sustain us, whether there is more than we need and all of this informs how we move into the next cycle. I feel a real affinity to the Druid year which starts at the autumn equinox in September, moves through the year attuned to nature, ending with celebration and reaping of rewards late August before the cycle starts again.
Late summer into autumn is the period we harvest and see the results of our year’s labour. That old saying “you reap what you sow” comes to mind. It’s a time to look, to question whether what you created and harvested was what you wanted, did your dreams, plans and reality match up? It’s a period of reflection, of understanding, of preparing and planning for the next cycle by gathering the knowledge, learnings and wisdom from your reflections and results and cultivating your ‘land’. For me this is about making sure I know what I want to grow (both in myself and my business) and making sure I am ready for that growth.
Then comes the winter – and while this sounds a bit sinister, it is the rotting of the dead, the breaking down of unused things and most critically of letting go – if you don’t let go of what no longer serves you, you have no room for different or new ways. This letting go of the dead or decaying simply makes way for renewal, recycling and rebirth. This winter period is also a time for restoring, for resting and for refilling, for many people it is a time of going home – or going into yourself, or reconnecting and honouring. Of course, in real terms these activities relate to you and to your relationships with others, where do you need to be more connected, and what do you need to let go of in order to prepare for new seeds.
As we move into spring, we sow our seeds and long before we actually see the seeds we’ve sown, the real nurturing starts – this is the feeding and watering, the maintaining environmental balance that allows new seeds to take hold. Think about what happens for you and for your business – whether it is fuelling your inner fire, nurturing relationships, being brave enough to get out there and risk elements. If we want to thrive, this takes some real effort and energy and it rewards us with blossom, with strengthening shoots and strong roots. There is a real need for connectedness in this period, of collaborating forces – whether it be sun and rain, working together on projects or simply having each other’s backs to ensure crops are tended fully; this growth does not happen in isolation.
And summer. A time of growth and maturation, of visibility and shining: think bright sun, flowers blooming, less shadow to lurk in. It is a period that starts off busy and gets less so as the crops are harvested, as we start to relax and enjoy what we have created – traditionally where we holiday and enjoy the long sun filled days – even in the UK! And as the harvest is complete the cycle starts again. As we come towards the end of summer, I always feel like it’s time to celebrate what has been achieved however big or small, and gently focus energy and effort towards the next cycle.
To do this I ask myself the following questions:
1) Am I harvesting what I expected to be?
2) What preparation do I need to be doing for next year’s harvest?
3) Am I clear about what I’m growing, what I expect to yield, and is my environment going to cultivate my crop?
And if you want to craft the next stage of your journey with me, join us at BraveFest on 27th– 29thSeptember, where we will be combining practical business strategies with neuroscience, mindset and personal growth while spending time with nature enjoying some outdoor activities and campfires. The best combo of a luxury venue with countryside surround – camp, glamp or farmhouse B&B to suit your own style. Find out more www.bravefest.co.uk
As humans, we can be intensely complex beings with seemingly conflicting needs and an incredible knack for self-sabotage. Two of those potentially conflicting needs are fulfilment and comfort. The relationship between fulfilment and comfort is an interesting one, when we don’t feel fulfilled we often opt comfort, often at the expense of what we really want from life.
Contribution plays a big part in this, but it is not as straight forward as just contributing, doing something good for others, or making a difference. Our sense of contribution is much more closely interwoven with our sense of fulfilment than it is with the difference we actually make.
Most humans crave significance, for their life to have meaning and I believe that this is the objective truth for most people – we all make a difference to someone or something just by our very existence. Yet it is too often not the perceived internal truth because to feel significant, or like you have contributed, you have to feel fulfilled.
It is quite possible to feel fulfilled while still experiencing stress, pressure, working hard – feeling fulfilled doesn’t mean you have to have the perfect life. It does mean you have to stop and appreciate what you have. It usually means what you are doing has to matter to you, and you have to feel like you are adding value for others in some way. It also means you are probably pushing the edges of your comfort zone most of the time, you are likely to get it wrong sometimes and you won’t always have the impact you hoped you might. When this happens, most people default to one of two behaviours:
1) You do more and more, give more, and hustle to get heard/seen/ noticed.
2) You settle and opt for what you know you can do, what others expect and are plagued by ‘what ifs’.
These two things rob you of your sense of fulfilment. This is why we see outwardly very successful people, people who look like there are making a big difference, feeling like they are not good enough in some way.
This is where the interplay between fulfilment and comfort comes in. If you don’t feel you are making an impact; your actions, or life, don’t have significance; or that you aren’t influencing the things that matter to you, it is unlikely you will feel fulfilled. Most people when unfulfilled seek comfort – and this comfort can take many forms from literal comfort of your sofa, TV & glass of wine to unconscious comfort of playing small, sticking to what you know and not taking any risks. Now both of those things are perfectly ok every now and then. They are not ok when they become a habit or excessive or are associated with destructive self-talk. They will certainly not make you feel more fulfilled in the longer term.
The whole concept of fulfilment being can be traced back to Greek times, with Aristotle articulating the common belief that the purpose of life was not to be happy, but to reach eudaimonia, which he describes as human flourishing, or the achievement of the highest human good – although it has translated into happiness in modern times, its origins are more with fulfilment of purpose, having a worthwhile life.
For me, fulfilment is a state of mind; a way of being and it comes down to what you are focussed on. Your sense of self-worth and internal programming are hugely important, so being aware of your own stories, traps and excuses is critical, as is a strategy for managing or changing any unhelpful dialogue or internal beliefs.
First, get clear about what makes you feel fulfilled – this might be tiny: the small buzz you get when you’ve helped someone out, the laugh of your child, completing a crossword puzzle, beating your own run time. It might already be huge: the impact your workshop had on the lives of people, the pleasure your photo’s of a special family event gave your client, your time sorting and structuring accounting processes for your client. This fulfilment might be transient for you, it might even feel like business as usual, but it is that small buzz, that sense of satisfaction of a job well done, that connection with another human, that difference made that is your significance. It is on these feelings you foster and amplify your sense of fulfilment and subsequent contribution.
So once you get clear about what those things that make you feel fulfilled are – and remember they might be small to start with – follow these three steps to consolidate and grow your state of fulfilment so that it becomes one of your go to emotional states.
Practice gratitude – I know this is much talked about, but what you focus on is generally what you get more of because that is what your brain is looking for, so why wouldn’t you consciously put some effort into the good stuff?
Celebrate your successes, however small. Sometimes we are so busy moving forward we forget to stop and enjoy the moment, or to acknowledge what we have achieved. Invest time in this – not to boast to others, but to raise your own self-worth, to give yourself some credit, and to internally catalogue your achievements.
Keep contributing. Focus on the areas that matter to you, show up and know that even the tiniest of contributions matter – even a kind word can make a massive difference to someone. You don’t need to wait until you can make a massive difference or change the world, you just need to start, little action after little action.
Final word – living a fulfilled live or achieving eudaimonia, is an inside job. That means it is within your control and your power to get there. Focus and you will find it, and if you want to share your journey, join us in the Brave Virtual Coworking group.
If you listen to most marketers, growth consultants and business mentors talking about tribe building there’s not a lot of difference in what they say, and it doesn’t sound that complicated does it?
Yet for many business owners, creatives and people who sell themselves in some way (that’s almost all of us BTW), talking about what you sell and building a connected community around you can be a little daunting and is not something that comes naturally to most people. Why? Because your own stuff gets in the way. When something is really important to you, or something potentially exposes you, or is controversial or counterintuitive it is risky to put it out there for criticism, ridicule even, all your vulnerabilities show up and the excuses come out. The result you don’t build connection.
The truth is it takes effort and time to build your tribe, but most of all it takes courage. If you want to get connected you have to show up – consistently. You also have to follow a few basic rules – even if they feel counterintuitive.
Here are my tribe building rules:
Be clear – understand what you stand for and why you are developing this particular community – if it’s just to sell stuff you may need a rethink!
Don’t try to please everyone – think about who you really want to connect with, who you best serve, (this is usually the people you like working with also – it’s your group you get to choose), and think about how many people you really need to connect with – it’s easy to get sucked into the bigger is better trap, engaged and committed is always better.
Be yourself – nobody likes a fake, they won’t engage if they don’t trust you and will switch off if they don’t believe you. If you have done the first two things, this will be a lot easier. Stick to your values, talk about what matters to you and helps the community you are building – this is not the same as talking about yourself and your stuff by the way. You first have to earn that right, and the continue to use it with respect and boundaries.
Now be the more human version of yourself – it’s easy to get into leader or teacher mode in your community and while it might give you some warped feeling of security or credibility it is very bad for community engagement. So be as personable as you can be, don’t put on the formal, professional, jargony, stuffy or conforming version of yourself, just be yourself – talk the same, act the same, use the same humour, be vulnerable, just be appropriate for your audience – which if you’ve focused on who you want to connect with this should be natural. My guide be you for them.
Create emotional contention – most of your connection investment goes in here, time, energy and vulnerability – so make sure you are building around things that matter to you, that you are committed to and happy to talk about. These things should cross over both content and the experience members get from the community. Remember that people are making and emotional investment in working with you, usually long before they make a financial one!
Provide valuable and entertaining content – there is so much content available that your stuff has to entertain and /or add value if you want people to consume it.
Be consistent and available – just to be clear I am not suggesting you are on social 24/7 – you set the rules of engagement, or how to interact, it’s your community, but remember if you want people to spend time in your tribe, you have to as well.
Humans love to belong, to feel connected and part of that is adding value, not just being given (or told) stuff, this is why interaction and engagement are so key to building successful tribes.
It might be your tribe, but you are only one of many moving parts. You might hold the space – whether it is a business, social or family group, people in that space might recognise you as the leader, they might consume your wisdom, they connect with other members and only truly connect with you when you talk about stuff that matters to them – they don’t necessarily care what matters to you.
You are only ever one player in the connection game, People are not connecting with you they are connecting with each other.
Once you get this you are on the way to building a community.
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