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I’ve wrapped a couple of our longer leadership programmes in the last couple of weeks. This always brings an onslaught of emotion for me, joy at how far people have come, gratitude for the team I get to work with, pride in what we have collectively accomplished, and also sadness, that the little bubble we’ve created during the courses has come to an end.

If you’ve been part of one of those ‘bubbles’ you’ll know how important it is to have people who get you, who share some similar experiences, and who are prepared to really hear you.

Anchors, or ways of grounding ourselves, are vital in the midst of change, whether that change be endings or beginnings, physical or emotional, seasonal or permanent. Often, we don’t realise we need these until we are already spinning…

For many people December is a full on, emotionally charged time of year, whether that’s work, family or preparation for Christmas. There’s a lot of pressure – and expectation, to be happy, connected, grateful, giving, and social – whether you feel like it or not.

This is a gentle reminder that if you want to stay sane and well, especially at this time of year, you need to learn to do right for yourself first. And yes, this does mean you might have to put your own wellbeing ahead of everyone else’s at least some of the time.

When we are connected with, or tuned into, ourselves, we recognise when we might need to take a moment, course adjust, or simply say no, before we hit the point of no return.

Come on you know what I’m talking about – those moments you lose it over seemingly nothing, or you martyr yourself making sure everyone knows you have to do everything, and all those times you feel resentful, unseen, undervalued, or angry at yourself or others.

Caring for yourself is a gift both to yourself and to those around you. You are both more in control and you are more likely to behave in a constructive situationally appropriate way. You’re also more likely to be assertive, kind and logical – you can thank your neurochemistry for that.

Being grounded, knowing what you need to function well, and critically, making sure you get enough or those things most of the time will both help you feel good and choose how you want to behave around others. This doesn’t mean you have to be sweetness and nice all the time it means you self-regulate or choose your response.

Self-regulation is an act of self-love, and you’ve been doing it i to some extent for most of your life, and certainly as an adult. You almost certainly put clothes on before going out, you don’t eat chocolate for breakfast – at least not every day, and most of the time you resist the temptation to yell at someone who has just asked you the same question you answered for them an hour ago, and the day before, and the day before that…

This is all self-regulation.

When it comes to the trickier emotional regulation we don’t always do as well, mostly because we are not paying enough attention to how we feel, and what our options are. As a result, we behave habitually, we react with the same learned responses until we don’t, and often this deregulated behaviour appears both unexpected and unacceptable to those around us.

So how can you be more intentional about self-regulation?

  • Know what grounds you, or makes you feel safe, or like yourself. Once you know what these things are you have some goals or feelings to work towards.
  • Pay attention. You have 100% control over your attitude and response, you choose – choose wisely. This is easy to say and harder to do, when you pay attention, you start to notice what feels good what doesn’t. Sometimes your responses are situational, necessary and regulated. Often, they are just habits, you do what you always do, whether or not it feels good.
  • Make small incremental changes to the way you behave. If something doesn’t feel good try some different tactics, and remember that self- regulation isn’t necessarily about toning down your behaviour, it might be being more assertive, protecting (or creating) your boundaries, and it might be giving yourself some space before you do or say something you are not proud of.
  • Chart your progress. For some this is journalling, for you it might be drawing, or recording notes to yourself, one client told me she laid a pebble trail round her garden to chart her progress, there’s no one right way – there is only your way.
  • Remember your brain. Here’s a very superficial look at the science. A self-regulated response requires ‘executive function’ or your pre frontal cortex to be calling the shots. This will then release the appropriate neurochemicals for response – dopamine, serotonin are key to modulating that response. When you drop out of executive function – or you are unable to differentiate between threat and non-threat emotionally, your cortisol levels raise and your ability to choose responses (or self-regulate) diminishes.
  • Be kind to yourself and others involved. This is also for your brain function. It’s hard to be kind without being connected to those concerned even if fleetingly. That connection does two things, you release oxytocin, and potentially reduces cortisol levels by reducing fear. It may also give you a dopamine hit.

Remember, while there’s a lot of info here a little goes a long way, take the bit that resonates most with you and have a play with that, if it helps move on to another bit.

The key point is that is you are going to show up for everyone else, you have to look after yourself too, especially at times when this feels hard or even impossible. Even a few minutes for yourself can make a difference.

Please do share your thoughts and wins in the comments.